December 4, 2013
And now the answers to Ask God:
1. HUMAN: Where in the Middle East did they find a Mexican guy named Jesus?
GOD: In a little town called Bethlehem, which was just bursting with Mexican migrant workers.
2. HUMAN: If you bite a zombie first does it become human?
GOD: No, it just growls and proceeds to bite down hard on your neck, you stupid stupid moron idiot.
3. HUMAN: If Jews are your chosen people, why did you give them such a tiny piece of land and surround them with people that want to kill them?
GOD: Hey, I never actually gave them any land, okay? I just showed Moses a land of milk and honey once. It was actually just the back of a Cheerios box. By that point Moses could barely see.
4. HUMAN: Why did Christians steal the Pagan winter holiday?
GOD: So they could steal most of the pagan followers. It worked.
5. HUMAN: Why do people care more about a dead celebrity than they do for the people around them who are suffering?
GOD: People always care a lot more about something if they see it on TV, because TV is the most important thing in the world, right? Right? RIGHT?!? Come on, everybody knows that.
6. HUMAN: How did Adam and Eve populate the world without incest???
GOD: They didn’t. There was rampant incest back then. You’re all inbred hillbillies.
7. HUMAN: How did you manage to get a virgin pregnant?
GOD: Very carefully.